being strange

My personal life is hanging by a thread. They say it happens when you start doing well at work. At first i clinged on to this idea and enjoyed the hours of working late. but as days became weeks and weeks became months, i've become doubtful whether it's really worth the sacrifices and all. Since for quite some time now, i have been taking the punches, the kind of punches that would always make me think of packing up my belongings and walking away from all these that are bothering me.

Being strange in my world sucks! (i should spell that in capitals.) especially for someone who came for work. I have high respect for all overseas foreign workers who make all the sacrifices and still find time to live a life and be a good/great brother, a friend, a son. Trust me, it isn't that cool and fabulous most of the time. A lot of things will surely come in your way to bring you down and it's specially hard 'coz you don't have your best "support" team right behind you. One is the experience of humiliation, simply because you don't understand those people you are working with, and they too do not get you and your way of thinking. How can you make yourself be understood and how can you understand them? You can't even explain the things that you are sure of! So how much more those things that you can only guess. But they don't bend themselves for you. You will be the one who would adapt to their attitudes and wants. And so you still try to make them understand, and try with all your might to convey what you want to say. But you know what, most likely, it's still you who will end up frustrated and feel bad about yourself.

Another thing that I have observed is that you are only as good as your latest task. they'll forget the things that you have achieved last week or even this morning. They would not think about the amount of work and effort you have put into this and that. They are just after the results. it is such a pressure trying to prove to these people that you too can do it, that you are not below their level, that you may have all those skills lacking in you, but you are smart, you are very much capable of doing other things in a better way, that you deserve your place in that part of the world.

Hmmm... I'm burned out. The work they put in my hands isn't making me warm anymore.

Maybe there will come a time that i would be dense enough to ignore the things being done to my body, the ugly words spoken and how they were delivered, the prejudices and all those messy stuffs. And it's all because i don't want to feel another disappointment in my life, because I know deep down that I am good, that I can be great, that I just have to find my rightful place in this world...


p.s. tiredness fuels empty thoughts. maybe this is just one of those moments of weakness.