being strange

My personal life is hanging by a thread. They say it happens when you start doing well at work. At first i clinged on to this idea and enjoyed the hours of working late. but as days became weeks and weeks became months, i've become doubtful whether it's really worth the sacrifices and all. Since for quite some time now, i have been taking the punches, the kind of punches that would always make me think of packing up my belongings and walking away from all these that are bothering me.

Being strange in my world sucks! (i should spell that in capitals.) especially for someone who came for work. I have high respect for all overseas foreign workers who make all the sacrifices and still find time to live a life and be a good/great brother, a friend, a son. Trust me, it isn't that cool and fabulous most of the time. A lot of things will surely come in your way to bring you down and it's specially hard 'coz you don't have your best "support" team right behind you. One is the experience of humiliation, simply because you don't understand those people you are working with, and they too do not get you and your way of thinking. How can you make yourself be understood and how can you understand them? You can't even explain the things that you are sure of! So how much more those things that you can only guess. But they don't bend themselves for you. You will be the one who would adapt to their attitudes and wants. And so you still try to make them understand, and try with all your might to convey what you want to say. But you know what, most likely, it's still you who will end up frustrated and feel bad about yourself.

Another thing that I have observed is that you are only as good as your latest task. they'll forget the things that you have achieved last week or even this morning. They would not think about the amount of work and effort you have put into this and that. They are just after the results. it is such a pressure trying to prove to these people that you too can do it, that you are not below their level, that you may have all those skills lacking in you, but you are smart, you are very much capable of doing other things in a better way, that you deserve your place in that part of the world.

Hmmm... I'm burned out. The work they put in my hands isn't making me warm anymore.

Maybe there will come a time that i would be dense enough to ignore the things being done to my body, the ugly words spoken and how they were delivered, the prejudices and all those messy stuffs. And it's all because i don't want to feel another disappointment in my life, because I know deep down that I am good, that I can be great, that I just have to find my rightful place in this world...


p.s. tiredness fuels empty thoughts. maybe this is just one of those moments of weakness.

what happened to u?

In the "Wishin' and Hopin'" Episode of Grey's Anatomy, Ellis who is also a surgeon blurted this out to her daughter Meredith.

ELLIS: "What happened to you?"
MEREDITH: "What do you mean?"
ELLIS: "You're happy? You're happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You've gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you're waiting to be inspired. You're waiting for inspiration? Are you kidding me?! I have a disease for which there is no cure, I think that would be inspiration enough! Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy! But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you are no more than... ordinary! What happened to you?!"

Poor Meredith! Nobody in my family would ever say this kind of thing to me. But what if somebody would? Maybe a teacher back in college who has all my respect and admiration, a dear friend who's always self-driven and focused on her career, or a senior colleague who believes and trusts in my abilities and potential, or worst, an old-self who was a competitive fighter full of ideals but somehow got pushed aside at one point after graduating from the university ... waahh! scary! (I had actually entertained the thought of writing a letter to an old-self apologizing for what I have become! hahah! :D don't worry guys, this was only for a very short period of time... all is well! :D )

However, I agree with the thought that inspiration is for amateurs, and that those who are PRO just have to do their job with the best possible way they can. Sometimes I could see myself as a PRO, but there were times that I dwelt at something else and waited for inspiration and for the right moment to come in. But as time goes on, I have learned. I've learned that waiting and waiting and waiting rarely yields any great results. And besides, I have become tired of waiting itself that I've decided (and am trying hard to uphold this decision like a true grown-up would) that I'll just do my best, continue with the work and feel like a pro.

Amen! :)

decisions, decisions, decisions

it started with a word, then came a meeting, then bang! i'm at a crossroad once again!